296-SYNCPodcastREPLAY_AdoptionFAQs

[00:00:00] Jenny Swisher: Welcome friends to this episode of the Sync Your Life podcast. Today we’re doing an episode replay and with good reason, because this month, November is National Adoption Month. If you’ve been following me for any period of time, you know that I was adopted at birth as was my brother. And my husband and I went on to adopt our two girls in 2016 and 2020.

[00:01:18] Jenny Swisher: Adoption holds a special place in my heart. And while I featured several interviews and episodes on the topic of adoption, it’s been a while. So I thought it’s perfect timing heading into the holidays to bring one back. So without further ado, let’s dive into the beauty of adoption.

[00:01:32] Jenny Swisher: Today you get yours truly. I’m here on the show to do a solo round talking about frequently asked questions that I receive about infant adoption.

[00:01:40] Jenny Swisher: I want to make sure that this is something that you feel comfortable Listening to that it serves you that anybody that’s considering adoption for themselves Can podcast feeling more knowledgeable Feeling more emotionally equipped to handle adoption So you’ll notice that we’re covering some deep stuff, right?

[00:01:57] Jenny Swisher: For today’s purposes, I’ve narrowed this down to just a handful of questions that I get asked the most. I’ve asked my audience, I’ve taken a look at Facebook messenger questions that I’ve gotten over the years from people. And honestly, my husband and I typically do quite a few zoom calls every year with couples who want to just chit chat and sort of settle their fears about the adoption process.

[00:02:17] Jenny Swisher: So this is something that I don’t want to claim to be an expert in, but it is something that I’ve experienced. And because I have an experience from both angles as an adopted child and an adoptive mother, I think it’s, it would be a great place for us to start here on the show. So let’s dive into these frequently asked questions and I’m going to keep it as as blunt as I can because I think that’s going to help you the most.

[00:02:39] Jenny Swisher: I’m not going to dibble dabble around. I’m not going to like beat around the bush, so to speak. We’re going to go right to it. So the first question That I get and it’s sometimes it’s expressed as a question and sometimes it’s more of like I can kind of feel it Like it’s this underlying concern That women or adoptive parents are are concerned about and that is can I really love another child as my own?

[00:03:01] Jenny Swisher: And while we do talk about this topic in some of the interviews this month I want to make sure I address it as well. My answer to you is absolutely. Yes So first and foremost, like I mentioned, I was adopted at birth myself. My parents adopted me from basically the moment I was born. I was in their home within two weeks of my birth.

[00:03:21] Jenny Swisher: And so, I know without a doubt that my parents, my adoptive parents, love me just as they would have loved their own child. I never felt a difference as far as you know, they treated me any differently or anything like that. And I know that based on my relationship with my parents now, I can tell you that they loved me as they would have their own.

[00:03:40] Jenny Swisher: So I absolutely believe this. I also have the experience of Adopting both of my daughters and having this same concern myself, right? Like what is this gonna be like? You know, we at the time that we adopted my oldest We didn’t know what her skin color would be Or what her hair would be like or what she would look like.

[00:03:55] Jenny Swisher: We didn’t know what it would feel like We didn’t know what the journey would be and so it’s natural To ask yourself the question like what is this gonna be like and can I really have a deep enough love for this child? That’s not biologically mine So I want to read you a poem That actually existed on an embroidered Poem sign that my mom had made for me that lived in my room.

[00:04:16] Jenny Swisher: So it literally was like hanging by my doorway of my bedroom as I grew up. And when my daughters were born, we actually had the same signs made for their rooms as well. I remember memorizing this as a young child and so I don’t even have to have it written down because I know exactly what it says. It says not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone.

[00:04:35] Jenny Swisher: but miraculously my own. Never forget, even for a minute, you weren’t born under my heart, but in it. I can just, there’s no way to express to you until you experience it yourself, the level of love that you feel when that child is placed in your arms for the first time. And so while today’s topic is specifically geared toward infant adoption, this applies no matter what, right?

[00:04:55] Jenny Swisher: When you start to really become the parent for that child, There is no difference in the love. I can tell you that from first hand experience. When my first daughter was born, and then again with my second, it was love at first sight, right? The second we were, we were told that my second daughter was born, we were actually told she was a boy.

[00:05:11] Jenny Swisher: So we entered the hospital expecting to meet a baby boy, and then we realized actually it was a mistake. It was actually a girl. We didn’t know. And so even with the surprise, right? Even with not knowing what this child was going to be, We could not have possibly loved her more. Question number two, what is the home study like?

[00:05:29] Jenny Swisher: This is a common question. Okay. So if you’re, if you’re adopting domestically, it’s different for every state. So every state has different rules and regulations. You know, how many hours of education are needed? What exactly is involved in the process? For us living in the state of Indiana, Indiana is known as an adoption friendly state.

[00:05:48] Jenny Swisher: So we had different protocol than other states might. So depending on where you live, if this is something that you’re interested in pursuing, definitely look into the home study, what companies in your state typically perform the home study. And don’t be afraid to really check out their website, call them, ask questions.

[00:06:03] Jenny Swisher: But I’ll tell you, if I’m being again, completely honest, the home study is awkward. It’s weird, right? So for us, We had to do 40 hours of education individually. So Chris had to and I had to, whether that’s listening to audible books or podcasts or reading books or attending seminars or webinars. So you have to kind of accumulate this education just like you would do for, for schooling or for, you know, continuing education for something in your career.

[00:06:30] Jenny Swisher: You have to do that to, you know, for the state, for the state to approve you as an adoptive couple. You also have to have things like home visits from your social worker and home assessments. We happen to live on a lake. So we had a lot of, there were some concerns at first, from social worker about, you know, how are you, are you going to install a fence in your yard?

[00:06:49] Jenny Swisher: Are you going to have life jackets available? Like what are the different safety precautions? I will say that a lot of this process surrounds the physical protection of the child, making sure that Your home is safe making sure that you are stable making sure that you are aware of what you’re kind of getting into right?

[00:07:08] Jenny Swisher: So we had multiple social worker meetings. I can remember the very first real experience that we had Was going into our home study agency Which by the way is different from your actual adoption agency or attorney. This is separate We went into that office the first time and the first thing they did was they kind of separated us.

[00:07:27] Jenny Swisher: They put us into two different rooms. The social worker interviewed me. She talked to me about my childhood, my parents, my upbringing, my relationship with my spouse. Uh, and then she also did the same with, with Chris. So there’s a lot of like, you know, questioning and interviewing and that can be uncomfortable, right?

[00:07:45] Jenny Swisher: That can be uncomfortable because if you, you know, I know for me, the first thing I thought was. Well, goodness, like anybody can walk into a hospital and have a baby and none of this happens, right? Like so why is it happening to me? But it’s just it’s part of the system the other thing that you have to expect is that you will most likely have to submit like fingerprints and Drug testing and those kinds of things as well just to kind of prove that you are a viable parent question number three What is the relationship with the birth mother like?

[00:08:13] Jenny Swisher: Even after the child is born. So this is really sort of unique for each child, right? This is different for everyone and it’s largely determined by the birth mother herself. So a lot of times before the adoption comes to fruition, before the baby is born, Birth mom will kind of identify the relationship that she wants to have with the child moving forward.

[00:08:34] Jenny Swisher: And so it’s different, right? And it can change. She might change her mind at birth and say, actually, I do want to have updates or I do want to, you know, keep in contact. And so I can remember when Chris and I were first going through this process, we met another family who had a very open relationship with birth mom.

[00:08:52] Jenny Swisher: Like birth mom was coming to their house for visits. That’s not our experience. I mean, our experience is quite different. We do send updates to both of our children’s birth mothers, but we don’t have close contact. Like our daughters don’t know them on a personal basis. So it’s very different and it’s largely determined by the birth mother’s expectations and sometimes in combination with your expectations as well.

[00:09:16] Jenny Swisher: So a lot of different agencies have Online portals that allow you to stay connected with birth mom without having to give away your personal phone number or your personal information So we do that route, right? We have access to an online portal where we send photo updates every year and things like that so it’s kind of just different based on the child and based on the birth mom and in some cases like we have friends who have adopted children and birth mom did not want to keep in touch, right?

[00:09:45] Jenny Swisher: There’s no correspondence. And so it’s just largely depends on the birth mom herself. Now the relationship with the birth mother, you know, before adoption is also important to talk about, right? This is something that I was largely underprepared for. You do establish a relationship with this person. And for me, it was something I’d really hadn’t thought much about.

[00:10:06] Jenny Swisher: I had always wanted to adopt the child. And so for me, all eyes were on the baby. But when we started to experience that initial relationship with birth mom, you realize this is another person that’s now largely a part of my life. Like she’s selflessly giving me her child and it’s just this deep love and appreciation and respect and I don’t even know the words to put to it, honestly.

[00:10:29] Jenny Swisher: It gave me all new feeling as it pertained to my own birth mother. Someone that I didn’t really think about very often. It was something that I started to think about in a different way when I started to experience it on the other side of working with our birth mothers for our daughters. So the relationship, it can be, you know, it’s, it’s interesting.

[00:10:47] Jenny Swisher: It’s, it’s weird. It can be awkward. I mean, we were in the room for my oldest daughter’s birth. I can assure you that there’s no more awkward feeling than, than being in that situation for a woman to be in the birthing room of another woman’s baby who you are taking home, right? That’s a slightly awkward position to be in.

[00:11:05] Jenny Swisher: But you establish this relationship with birth mom in a lot of cases. Now there are situations where birth mom doesn’t really, isn’t very communicative, or she doesn’t make a choice, you don’t find out until the hospital itself, so there’s really no relationship leading up to the adoption. But for a lot of people that I know, and for ourselves included, um, there is a relationship that develops over time before the baby is born.

[00:11:28] Jenny Swisher: So that’s something that you can work with your agency. They have lots of great tips. Your social worker that I mentioned before, who’s largely part of your home study. For us, she was a godsend. She knew so much information about this. She had worked with so many different adoptions that she became a resource for us in helping us really build a strong relationship with birth mothers.

[00:11:48] Jenny Swisher: Next question. What is the hospital experience like? This is a question we also get often. So again, it’s different for everyone. Some people, you know, they don’t, they don’t find out that the baby has been born and then they adopt a couple of days later. So the baby kind of is in transition for a couple of days.

[00:12:05] Jenny Swisher: Other people are able to be there like we were for our oldest for the actual birth itself. Or like in the case of my second child, we made it to the hospital about four hours after she was born. So it’s different for everyone. And again, you know, everybody is different. So it kind of depends on the birth mother and her preferences.

[00:12:24] Jenny Swisher: Does she want you to be in the room when the baby is born? Does she want you to have a separate room? Is she wanting time with the baby, right? These are all things that she sort of develops as In her birth plan, but those things can change they changed for us Like our birth mothers had made different choices and then when the baby was born They changed their mind on some of the things about seeing the baby So those things you have to just be prepared for you have to be prepared for Awkward moments you have to be prepared for other family members of birth mom to be to be with you and to be meeting you You have to be prepared for the hospital itself In both of our situations in two different states We had very adoption friendly hos uh, hospitals.

[00:13:05] Jenny Swisher: So the hospitals were willing to accommodate another room for us. They kept it separate so we were much further down the hall. We weren’t like side by side with the birth mother. You know, a lot of hospitals are that way now. But I’ve heard other stories too where, you know, hospitals haven’t been willing to accommodate adoptive couples.

[00:13:22] Jenny Swisher: And so that’s a, that’s a process in itself. And again, something that you would work with your agency about. But there are a lot of really great opportunities for intimate moments. with the birth mom in a lot of cases that really allow you to get to know her on a deeper level. So I know for us, you know, just getting to know the birth mothers and their interests and their hobbies, and what other children, what their other children were like, if that was, if that was the situation, or, You know asking like what are the things that you’ve had to deal with like what have been your struggles?

[00:13:53] Jenny Swisher: Like what are the things you want your your child to know about you later in life? Like those are really intimate conversations that can happen in the hospital It doesn’t mean birth mom always wants to but if so, I highly encourage you to to have those conversations, right? Everything that we do in life that’s hard is totally worth it.

[00:14:10] Jenny Swisher: And that is a very hard thing, but totally worth it but in all I would say that You And I’ve said this before on other podcast episodes that the experience in itself, right, the actual moment of birth and transition from that birth mother literally and physically handing you that child, it is the most joyful, but also one of the saddest experiences you’ll ever have.

[00:14:36] Jenny Swisher: But I have to tell you that the joy overpowers the sad. Right? The joy overpowers the sad. In both of our stories, birth mothers could not be more happy. Like, they were both literally such rocks for us in our process. They were very, very strong and very centered, and as emotionally prepared as they could be.

[00:14:56] Jenny Swisher: And so, the, you know, in that moment of sadness and trauma and loss is also this amazing and incredible joy. So, nothing can really truly prepare you for the hospital experience, the fact that you’ve got to stay open minded. You’ve got to kind of guard your heart, trust the process, ask the questions and stay true to yourself.

[00:15:18] Jenny Swisher: Next question. What things do I most need to be emotionally prepared for? Okay, so I really had to think about this and I was thinking, you know, of course, number one on this list would be changing mind, right? Like if the birth mother decides to change her mind, now she can change her mind about a lot of things.

[00:15:33] Jenny Swisher: Like I said before, she can say, you know, I want no visibility of my child after birth, right? So I want the adoptive parents to take the baby and I no longer want to see the baby. She can identify that. And guess what? In the moment when the baby’s born, she can change her mind and she can say, actually, I want to change my mind and see the baby now.

[00:15:51] Jenny Swisher: So those kinds of things I know in our experience, um, those are probably the most emotionally tugging things that happened because there are things that are determined in that birth plan. Um, that can and most likely will shift and change. So being prepared for those changes is probably the biggest thing.

[00:16:09] Jenny Swisher: And of course, ultimately you’ve heard stories most likely of the fact that birth mothers have a window of time where they can change their mind. So for some States that’s 24 hours after birth for other States, it’s 72 hours after birth. So it really just depends again on the state of birth, but making choices when it comes to, you know, um, birth plan can always change.

[00:16:30] Jenny Swisher: So keeping that in mind. Also heading into the process before you even pursue a home study, when you first get on a list, so to speak with your agency or your attorney, just know that you’re going to have to make some choices about the baby. And what by choices, I mean preferences, and it sounds icky, and it does feel icky when you’re feeling you’re filling out this paperwork and you have to identify what races you’re open to.

[00:16:53] Jenny Swisher: And if you’re open to a child with disability, It can be really hard to fill out that paperwork and to have those conversations. But that’s something that I think a lot of people are not emotionally prepared for. I know for us personally, the paperwork sat on my desk for a long time for that reason, because it was very hard to complete.

[00:17:11] Jenny Swisher: And then finally, again, the hospital experience, I think, is, is what you have to be most emotionally prepared for, especially in an infant adoption. It can be exhausting, right? Like, my husband and I were sleeping in, like, straight back chairs. I mean, there was no bed in the room for one of our adoptions. So you’re sleeping in uncomfortable circumstances.

[00:17:30] Jenny Swisher: Uh, there’s emotional things happening. There’s family involved. There’s, you know, birth mother involved. There’s so many different things. So the hospital experience is another thing. For more information visit www. FEMA. gov That I think most people need to be emotionally prepared for. Last but not least, what would my number one piece of advice be?

[00:17:46] Jenny Swisher: Okay, and so this is going to sound a little bit redundant, but for me, I have two things to share here. I can’t ever go with one, right? You’re asking me my one piece of advice, but you know I got to give you two. So my first one is speak your truth. Don’t be someone that you’re not as you go through the process of adoption.

[00:18:03] Jenny Swisher: I want you to show who you and your spouse really are. Right? So I see this so much when I look at adoptive couples profiles online And I see this like perfectly staged photo of them holding hands in front of a lake with fall leaves In the background and it’s like this. I mean, that’s a great photo and that’s awesome But it’s not showing birth mom who you really are.

[00:18:25] Jenny Swisher: I remember in our second adoption with my youngest birth mom told us in the hospital that the reason she fell in love with us because was because she felt like she saw a glimpse into our lives Our profile online was pictures of us cooking with my oldest daughter in the kitchen and going on trips and being on vacations and just showing her what our life would look like for her child as opposed to the more staged photos, right?

[00:18:49] Jenny Swisher: So, speak your truth, be who you are when you have those conversations with her and you’re building that relationship. Don’t try to be someone you’re not, right? If you have very, if she asks you about your faith And you have, you’re a very Christian focused family, tell her that, right? Like don’t be afraid to be who you are.

[00:19:08] Jenny Swisher: And then my second piece of advice is to be vulnerable and open and to guard your heart, but actually just more so trust the process. I remember telling my husband as we went into both adoptions, whatever happens is what’s meant to be. And so if birth mom changes her mind, then that’s what was meant for this child.

[00:19:26] Jenny Swisher: And we have to accept that and know that this is God’s plan. And we will continue with the process until something happens in the right direction for us. And so again, it comes to really that idea of like, yes, protecting your heart, but also just knowing that whatever happens is what’s meant to happen.

[00:19:43] Jenny Swisher: Those would be my number two, my number one and my number two tips for advice. Okay my friends, well I think this covers it for today. This has been a nice episode where we can really just dive into sort of these high level questions that people have. In future weeks we are going to talk more in depth about the home study process.

[00:20:00] Jenny Swisher: We’re going to be talking about things like ICPC, which is the interstate contracts that happen when adoptions are made. are going from one state to another. We’re gonna be talking about more logistical things, but for today’s purposes, I wanted to make sure that I touched on this sort of emotional preparedness that couples need to know about.

[00:20:18] Jenny Swisher: Because for me, the two objections that I hear the most when I’m talking to adoptive couples is number one, finances. How much is this gonna cost? And number two, can I love another child as my own? And what is this emotionally going to look like for me? Is it going to be a roller coaster? Am I prepared for this?

[00:20:34] Jenny Swisher: Am I competent enough? And am I capable enough? So hopefully these answers to your questions help in some way. As always, I’m so grateful that you’ve taken time to listen to this episode. Share it out with your friends. We all know someone who is considering bringing another child into their life. And so I would love it if you would share this out on your social media, leave a review as always, but thank you so much friends for tuning in.

[00:20:55] Jenny Swisher: I’ll catch you next time.

[00:21:05] Jenny Swisher: Thanks for listening to this episode of the sync your life podcast. I hope you found value from today’s episode. If you did, please share it out to your friends or leave a review. Remember, your cycles are your superpower, and by aligning with them, you can live your life with all the energy you need to be a mom, wife, daughter, and friend to those you love.

[00:21:22] Jenny Swisher: Until next time!